just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
