apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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