Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How naked do you want me to be?
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