WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
