Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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