So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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