nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
