Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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