Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
