not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
