doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
