Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
