it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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