you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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