do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
