You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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