I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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