You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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