Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
dude. I can hear the air.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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