They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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