I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
