his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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