there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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