And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
