Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize