I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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