is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
