3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
