I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
