The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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