If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
false alarm, still single
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
