i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
