turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Send help, water and tortillas.
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Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize