sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I need moral support for this bender
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think your dad took our porno
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
