Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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