So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
