I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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