If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
