Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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