In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
