So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just invented taco cereal.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
