Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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