I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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