I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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