It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
