Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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