when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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