she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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