hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
