I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Mom said you looked used
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
