Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
