saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Randomize
