I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
