I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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