Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
