I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
