Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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