margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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