she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
