Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize