It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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